Instead I’ll tell you why I’m disappointed in my shower and myself. No, I didn’t slip. I didn’t knock my head on the door or showerhead (even if, considering the height of the thing, I’d actually feel surprised and pleased with myself), and I haven’t broken anything.
But it did wage an all-out attack on my senses.
To start, my mother recently acquired the very shampoo I was in dire need of. T/Gel is supposed to rid your scalp of that pesky dandruff and leave you feeling content with the no-later-than-a-day results. While I don’t have dandruff, I do have eczema. My allergies (due to chocolate and peanuts) find it funny to make me claw at my scalp with some sliver of a hope that the itching will stop. This was why I was elated to find the small box sitting in the bathroom, awaiting my arrival.
I ripped open the box and removed the bottle, hoping against hope that the gel within would offer some well-deserved relief. I stripped, turned on the water, and submerged myself beneath the steaming torrent of chlorinated water before popping open the lid.
I swear I just washed my hair with some sort of car-product.
The odor alone made me reread the label, actually thinking that my mother had somehow grabbed a stray bottle of car cleaner and assumed it was what I needed. The liquid was a golden brown and resembled that crap you pour into the sink drain to unclog it. But, no matter what the shampoo smelled or looked like, I really, really needed it at this point. So, pouring out a glob, I began washing my hair.
Considering I’d scanned the directions before use, curious if there was some sort of secret technique to curing my skin condition, I knew to wait a few minutes before rinsing the gunk out. In the meantime, I grabbed a washcloth and scrubbed down the rest of my body. This has to be the most innocent and non-lethal part of the story. It gets so much better than a mere odor.
After I’d rinsed, I reapplied the substance and lathered up. This time I spent my waiting with a razor, making my legs look slightly-less masculine.
I’d also read that if the suds from the shampoo were to get in your eyes, you had to rinse them out immediately. Having sensitive sockets, I was a bit worried when I felt a something sliding down the side of my face.
Previously seated on the floor of the shower without the water on, I struggled to stand and turn toward the knob. At this point, my hands were covered in soap and too slippery to get a good grip. To top it all off, I dropped my razor and was forced to remain perfectly still to keep from lopping off a toe.
It took about thirty seconds until I finally dried my hands off on a towel outside the shower and was able to turn the water back on. Relieved, I washed out my hair and cleaned my face.
For whatever reason, the water beating down my cheeks decided to retaliate by heating up very, very quickly. This wasn’t just hot, either. Not fiery. Not molten lava. This was liquid terror and it scared the bajeezus out of me. During the next few seconds, I scrambled to relieve my melting skin and return to my somewhat disturbed shower.
The least of my worries at this point was the fact that my legs were cut in several places and stinging annoyingly due to a rather hasty shaving technique. People get over this fact of life pretty quickly. When shaving a limb in a rushed manner, there’s a pretty good chance you’ll walk out with battle scars.
This is pretty much what it looked like:
But, on top of everything else, my worn nerves made it seem a little more like this:
Considering I’d turned the shower off again to shave, and hopefully save some water, I had to bring the damned thing back to life with soapy hands again. The same thing happened with the same intensity as the time before. I believe that’s where the mockery rose and fell.
The next few minutes are pretty much a blur of face-wash and conditioner, the latter being unable to eliminate the pungent stench of car-medicine. By the time I’d made it out, I was exhausted, aching, and shocked that I’d emerged with all fingers and toes in-tact.
My scorched flesh and reeking hair is debatable.
